Marriage, Family, and Happiness

Marriage and the family have historically been the bedrock of society, but for many today, encouraged by elite opinion, these things are regarded as an optional extras.

Brad Wilcox, Professor of Sociology at the University of Viriginia and Director of the National Marriage Project spoke at the Faith and Law forum on Capitol Hill on July 19 regarding the importance of marriage and the family to American happiness and flourishing. The deterioration of marriage and the family has greatly exacerbated the decline of flourishing in the United States in recent years, he believes. His new book Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization, lays out the case for the superiority of a marriage culture.

Wilcox said that America is failing at the objectives laid out by Thomas Jefferson, which are “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” He focused on the last objective. Surveys indicate that happiness has recently been in decline. But the barriers to happiness are “not about things like race or inequality or poverty,” Wilcox believes. Instead, it is about “the closing of the American heart.” This is his way of referring to the fact that fewer and fewer younger Americans look to marriage and the family as the natural and desirable course in life.

Wilcox said that the marriage rate has come down markedly since 1970. At this point “about 1 in 3 adults in their twenties … will never marry.” This is a new situation for American society. The 2023 fertility rate was 1.62 children per woman (down from 1.67 in 2022) of child-bearing age. What this practically means “is that about one in four” Americans will never have children.

This means that there will be “a profound level of kinlessness.” An example offered was a man in his mid-thirties in the metropolitan Washington area who has “a graduate degree, owns his own home”, and is employed by a defense contractor who nonetheless testified to lack of purpose and satisfaction in life. He suffered from “loneliness, sadness, and … anomie.” Wilcox conceded that married people can be unhappy, and unmarried people can be flourishing, but overall, he believes, married life is more likely to be happy. He pointed to the research of Sam Peltzman of the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business showing that marriage may be the most important factor in achieving happiness.

Self-Centered versus Family-Centered Culture

Why is the American heart closing, Wilcox asked. The first reason, he believes, is the “my-ness mindset” of the American elites, which they are communicating to the American public. This viewpoint holds that what is important in life is focusing on “your education, building your own brand, and oftentimes your work, your career.” This has displaced a mindset focused on marriage and the family. It is suggested, particularly to young women, that marriage and family are a dead end. He pointed to articles in prestige publications which maintain that a married life for women leads to a dead end and a less prosperous life, in contrast to a number stories the presented about single and childless women “who were living their best life.” Similarly, commentators on the right increasingly say that marriage is a bad alternative for men. The result of these anti-family narratives is that skepticism toward marriage has gained currency with many young adults. The basic message is that meaning and value in life is achieved through “career, and not through marriage and family life.”

Wilcox said that research presented in his book shows that the “number one predictor” of happiness is a good marriage, not money or career. Additionally, the majority of young men don’t have a college degree, and are much less likely to be connected to a single line of work than their fathers or their grandfathers. In fact, “one in four men in their prime who don’t have a college degree are not working full time.” Such men are much less likely to get married and if married, to stay married. He pointed to research from Harvard which shows that when a wife loses her job, there is no increased risk of divorce. By contrast, when a husband loses his job there is a 33 percent increase in the risk of divorce.

Public Policy Barriers

Wilcox indicated that research shows that many working class young adults have not gotten married because of marriage penalties that effectively exist in law and public policy (related as well to non-tax policies). Data from the American Enterprise Institute shows that 80 percent of working class families “are hit by marriage penalties.” Among them, the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC) reduces poverty, but also penalizes marriage. Marriage penalties with respect to Medicaid and the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP, or food stamps) are also particularly noticeable, he said.  

Wilcox then reviewed the problematic aspects of policies advocated by both the Democratic and Republican parties. On the Republican side, there may be strong pro-family and pro-marriage rhetoric, but actual policy involves limited government. Policies specifically supportive of families in, for instance, tax credits, are thus minimized. The “health of the market” is considered more important than “the health of the family.” Also, getting parents into the work force takes precedence over having parents at home sufficiently to maintain family life.

On the Democratic side, “statism” and “workism” are problems. With respect to statism, there tends to be a belief that families are benefited by having family functions outsourced to the state. The issue with “workism” is the belief that parents should be at work on weekdays, which results in no parent then available for children. Finally, “for a variety of ideological and coalitional reasons” it is hard for Democrats “to talk about marriage today.” The Democrats’ alliance with the sexual revolution, which pits them against social conservatism, makes it hard for them to adopt policies which favor marriage and family life.

Wilcox said that research shows that children in paid childcare are “more likely to experience social and emotional problems.” This is especially true for children in child care at very early stages in life. He asked how we might have good pro-family policies. Educational, institutional, and cultural foundations for marriage need to be emphasized in public policy. Neither the state (for the Left) nor the market (for the Right) should be made a substitute for the family.

Wilcox’s Proposals

Five policy principles that Wilcox proposed were:

1. “Maximize financial benefits and minimize penalties” for marriage
2. “Make child bearing and child rearing more affordable”
3. Develop policies that encourage positive and diminish negative interactions within families
4. Maximize the time parents have with their children
5. Educate the rising generation about the value of marriage and the family, counteracting the negative messages received from the news media, entertainment industry, and the wider culture generally

Wilcox pointed out that that marriage penalties for affluent families have been addressed by Congress, but affluent families are more stable. However, for working class families, marriage penalties still pose problems. Regarding child care (point 2), Wilcox expects action in 2025 to expand the child tax credit (CTC). He said that evidence from Alaska showed that unconditional cash grants were linked to single parenthood.

On the quality of family life front (point 3), policy should aim at “restraining the hold that big tech has over our kids.” Gaming and online betting by teenage boys must be addressed.

With respect to point 4, many states are moving forward with school choice. This allows parents to use public money for educational options other than public schools. Private schools have been shown to support values more conducive to positive family formation than public schools.

On point five, Wilcox said that we need to renew a culture of family life. Young people need to be educated in the “success sequence.” This involves 1) “at least a high school degree,” 2) “work full-time in your twenties,” and 3) “marry and have kids.” Following this sequence, Wilcox said, means that the odds of being poor are 3 percent, and the odds of being in the middle class or above are 86 percent. Young people should also be taught that people in middle age are likely to be less lonely if they are married with children. Especially married mothers “are markedly happier than women who are single or childless.” They are also markedly better off financially than single women heading toward retirement. These facts are not generally known to the public, Wilcox said. The government needs to make sure that they are known. Above all, young people need to be informed that opting for marriage and family is the most likely route to happiness.

Related Concerns

A questioner asked Wilcox how he would respond to the idea that the decline of marriage and the family is a cultural issue, not of concern to the government. Wilcox agreed that issues of faith and family are “most fundamentally cultural.” Yet government action can be beneficial. Marriage penalties are barriers the government sets to marriage, and these barriers can be attacked. Also, “public schooling has an incredible reach in American life today.” Leftist indoctrination is a real problem there. Parents should be active with local governments to move school systems to “teach both the basics, and stop teaching things that are … more problematic.” The truth about marriage and family should be taught.

Another questioner asked if the later age of marriage (later twenties, early thirties) was a factor in the current situation with marriage and the family. It was asked if there might be some employer based solutions, such as “prenatal care or paid time off.” Wilcox responded with respect to the later age of marriage, that we are “facing a more difficult dating context today.” He said the longer one waits until marriage, “the more challenging it is to find someone who would be a good spouse.” Consequently, he recommended that if one found someone in college who would be a good spouse, it would be a good idea to go ahead and marry that person. Or if not in college, then when one is still in one’s early twenties, marriage is a good idea if one finds the right person. Wilcox said that while people who get married in their early twenties have a somewhat higher rate of divorce than those marrying in their early thirties, for regular church attenders among those marrying in their early twenties, the rate “comes way down.”

It was asked what other policies might support families. Wilcox suggested paid time off for both parents, pointing to research by Patrick Brown of the Ethics and Public Policy Center. But he said that mothers should be given greater time than fathers. This writer would add that if there is an equal protection problem here, it simply shows how irrational much law and jurisprudence has become.

Regarding benefits given parents, it was observed that the child tax credit (CTC) “really amounts to peanuts for married couples,” because the $5,000 benefit is far outstripped by the loss of a second income by the spouse that remains in the home. Wilcox said that the current CTC is probably all the government can currently afford. But he said that in addition to the CTC, society should find ways to honor those parents who are raising the next generation.

It was observed that there does not seem to be an awareness of the low birth rate crisis that exists. Depopulation rhetoric is widespread. Wilcox said that more anti-natalist themes are being seen in the media, in schools, and in popular culture. This can be countered, he said, by pointing out that children “can be a source of meaning, direction, and purpose” in life.

It was also asked how one encourages the next generation to have children when so many children come from single-parent homes. Wilcox referred to the public relations campaigns against smoking and teenage pregnancy. These challenges were met with “creative marketing.”

Conclusion

The “me-centered” culture (or rather anti-culture) which developed out of the counter-culture of the 1960s revolution is difficult to overcome, because it offers the allurement of gratification at the expense of traditional responsibilities. It is also difficult to challenge because mass media and educational elites continue to advance self-centeredness and anti-family messages. A variety of strategies to repair and protect marriage and family-based culture, advanced broadly and with perseverance from the grassroots, and assisted by those within the educated classes who wish to see marriage and the family culture revived, will be necessary to ensure a flourishing marriage-based society for future generations.