James Tonkowich
August 7, 2008
The following originally appeared in a recent IRD Weekly e-newsletter. If you would like to receive our weekly e-newsletter, click here and select “IRD Weekly.”
They shout at you from every supermarket check-out line in America. People, Us, Star, and assorted other magazines are packed with the latest on stars marrying, divorcing, or just living together. Sadly the behavior of the Hollywood set has its reflection in the rest of the culture.
Marriage in the United States has fallen on hard times. We have the highest divorce rate in the developed world and the divorce rate in the Church runs neck-and-neck with the divorce rate in the broader population. The interest in same-sex marriages is in part due to the impermanent, romantic gesture that marriage has become.
Whether the purpose is to “try out” marriage or to avoid it, Mike and Harriet McManus note in their new book Living Together: Myths Risks & Answers,cohabitation has jumped from 439,000 couples in 1960 to 5,368,000 in 2006. No pastor or church leader can avoid cohabiting couples in the congregation or calling to inquire about a wedding. According to the Barna Group, 25 percent of people living together say that they are “born again Christians.” We’ve moved a long way from the biblical ideal.
Cohabitation is so common as to seem normal as a prelude to or substitute for marriage. In the minds of many, “You wouldn’t buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, so why would you get married without ‘trying it on’? ”
That seems reasonable except, as the McManuses quip, “the cohabitation shoe rarely fits.” In fact, the statistics on cohabitation point to precisely the opposite conclusion: “trying it on” is murder on marriage. Living Together rehearses the grim statistics clearly:
- “Only two out of ten cohabiting couples are able to build a lasting marriage.
- “Nearly half of cohabiting couples break up before the wedding. Their ‘premarital divorce’ frequently is no less painful than divorce itself.
- “Those cohabiting couples who do marry are 50 percent more likely to divorce than those who never lived together.”
Not only that, but when compared with married couples, cohabiting couples fight over money are more frequently, are more likely to be unfaithful, and experience more domestic violence. Living together while unmarried is a dangerous option.
Couples who cohabitate have their reasons and the McManuses mention the five most often cited: creating a “trial marriage,” financial considerations, a cure for loneliness, convenient sex, and emancipation from parents.
They also discuss the reasons behind the stated reasons: growing up in broken homes, lack of male commitment, cultural pressure, drifting into cohabitation, parental encouragement, living in denial of the statistics, and perverse financial incentives due to bad government policies.
Regardless of the reasons, the McManuses write, “Cohabitation is so endemic in our culture that many pastors have come to regard cohabitating couples as the norm. …(Also) in fairness to ministers, most don’t know how to address the sensitive issue of cohabitation.”
And this is where the book excels.
Mike and Harriet McManus don’t leave the reader without a plan. Years ago the McManuses founded Marriage Savers, a program for churches that includes marriage education and mentoring. Their long experience is brought to bear in the book and is crystallized in five key actions that any congregation can take to strengthen marriages:
- “Require a premarital inventory” to provide an objective assessment of the relationship.
- “Train a core of mentor couples” to encourage younger couples to make good decisions about their relationships.
- “Teach conflict resolution skills.”
- “Establish church policy for cohabitating couples.”
- “Educate the cohabiting couple” about the risks of cohabitation and the benefits of separating before marriage.
The information about cohabitation in Living Together needs to be told. Cohabitating couples typically believe they are acting in their best interest. Sharing that the opposite is true is daunting, but loving and wise. One pastor told the McManuses, “I tell them the truth—that cohabitation is not biblical and that it does not work. The couples are very responsive. At least 80 percent separate. I won’t marry the others, which sometimes comes as a shock to the parents.”
A little truth-telling can go a long way in strengthening marriages and, thus, strengthening marriage. Mike and Harriett McManus’s book Living Together is a great deal of truth-telling and a critical resource for pastors, counselors, and congregational leaders who are tired of seeing the wreckage brought on men, women, children, and the church as a result of cohabitation and divorce.
Marriage in America is broken. Mike and Harriett McManus have a plan to help repair it. It’s a plan of which we can all be a part.
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