Editor’s note: A version of this article was published by the Christian Post.
Valentine’s Day, if we’re honest, is an irritating holiday even for Christians. Everywhere we look, it seems there are baked-goods or candy hearts expressing their undying love for us in pink frosting. And for those of us struggling to keep up with New Year’s diet resolutions, the temptations can be downright maddening. But all the talk about love and affection got me thinking, what if this year I asked my homosexual neighbor to be my valentine?
This radical idea might come as a shocker, since it’s no secret I’m a die-hard conservative culture warrior. Marriage, sexuality, and family as divine institutions established by God in Genesis, affirmed by Jesus in Matthew and supported again by several Pauline texts are what I spend my days defending in the public square. But recently, I faced the fact that homosexuality is not only a public policy issue, but a deeply personal matter that leaves many Christians asking the question, “Can I uphold my convictions and love my homosexual friend?”
Last weekend I participated in Evangelicals for Social Action’s (ESA), “Oriented to Love” retreat. The purpose of the retreat was to bring together twelve individuals who professed faith in Christ but held differing moral values, politics, and of course, sexual orientations. Despite being called a “spy” and told I wanted to “bring America back to the 1950s” over lunch, I’m thankful for the experience. It was here that I saw the tough face of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) community actually consists of real, broken, vulnerable, thoughtful, creative, kind, and emotional individuals struggling to navigate through this earthy life just like the rest of us. As such, they are deserving of our respect.
Demonstrating unconditional love to our homosexuals, however, is not easy. Beware that it requires more than just a few kind words. First, we have to tear down some really tall walls.
While at ESA’s retreat, I wriggled through several hard discussions in order to learn how, or if, Christian parents, family and friends can maintain their biblical principles on sexuality and marriage and still love those dealing with same-sex attraction. The consensus among those I asked was that homosexuals know that conservative Christians will always have an “endgame” and pray for their transformation. So to show love to homosexuals, it was encouraged by some that we check our convictions at the door and simply walk through life with them. This information was not very helpful, nor hopeful.
Leaving my biblical principles behind is certainly not an option. Worse, is that I know the LGBT community hurls verbal attacks and fear-mongering tactics on young Christians who uphold biblical marriage (just Google me and the word “gay” to see what I mean).
So I searched for more answers until I came across Nancy Heche’s story. Nancy is a popular Christian author and speaker who knows firsthand the heart-wrenching experience of having her child tell her, “I’m gay.” Nancy is the mother of actress Anne Heche, most notable for her relationship with Ellen DeGeneres during the 1990s. After an awful public spectacle, Nancy remembered asking God what she could possibly do to help her daughter. Nancy recounts her “aha” moment as:
I could confess my own sin. And I could bless her [Anne]…to bless is to ask God to interfere, to take action in one’s life to bring them to the desired relationship with Himself so that they are truly blessed and fully satisfied. When God blesses He releases His power to change the character and destiny of the one being blessed.
Not missing a beat on this topic, Nancy also said, “Sure, there’s a place for discussing things, speaking the truth in love, and putting boundaries in place when you need to.” [i] (emphasis mine)
To be perfectly clear, this piece is not a thinly-veiled call for Christians to retreat on biblical marriage. Contrarily, the Church must speak up louder as same-sex “marriage” bans in Indiana, Nevada, Ohio, Utah, and Oklahoma are under siege this week alone. The point is that while fighting for our convictions, we can still treat our homosexual neighbors with unconditional love through prayer, gentleness and compassion.
By demonstrating God’s truths with a loving spirit, we don’t succumb to hate. Remember that Christ’s model for love and respect is not reflected in groups like the Westboro folks who picket with signs reading, “Death penalty for fa**.” The Apostle Paul was clear that these expressions are not pleasing to God nor the characteristic of a Christian when he wrote, “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar.” Paul went on, “And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.” (1 John 4:20-21)
So this Valentine’s Day (and every day) as you purchase those delicious heart-shaped boxes of candy, call up an old friend, or march for marriage in your state capitol, let us demonstrate unyielding love and prayer to our homosexual neighbors.
As the new evangelical campaign Imago Dei pledge goes, “I recognize that every human being, in and out of the womb, carries the image of God; without exception. Therefore, I will treat everyone with love and respect.”
[i] Heche, Dallas, The Complete Guide to Understanding Homosexuality. P. 315-317.
Comment by Marco Bell on February 15, 2014 at 10:59 am
I’m still trying to figure out if you are joking!
Much of your language seems so “separatist” oriented. Like the dialog of days during the Sixties, where people thought of ‘negroes’ as being less human or worse.
So I guess I’ll just have to stay tuned to your blogs to better understand your true stance on issues that seem so threatening to you and your tribe.
Sincerely,
Marco
Comment by cleareyedtruthmeister on February 15, 2014 at 7:46 pm
Marco, if a substantial portion of the populace participates in homosexuality we won’t have to worry about our tribes–there won’t be any.
Comment by Marco Bell on February 16, 2014 at 11:30 am
Dear Cleareyedtruthmeister,
If you, or anyone thinks, (nay, fears), that homosexuality will proliferate to the point of self annihilation, then you really don’t understand the full spectrum of humankind.
Throughout history there have been homosexuals and transgendered people. This is only now, a ‘hot’ issue with most of the American populace. Because up until recently, those that fear homosexuality have been allowed to insult, degrade, and even kill those that were Gay.
At last, society now has a better understanding of the human condition, and we will all benefit from a more sensitive attitude toward those nuances.
Don’t worry, there will always be plenty of “your” kind!
Sincerely,
Marco
Comment by cleareyedtruthmeister on February 17, 2014 at 4:41 pm
“Your” kind? Really, Marco? Sounds like you are being a little judgmental and separatist–those are things you condemn in others, are they not? A little insensitive, maybe? A little double standard there, perhaps? Or is this just something in the DNA of the liberal “tribe?”
But seriously, Marco, I agree that many gays have been unjustly persecuted. I don’t condone that and I don’t think anyone on this website does. That does not justify turning the world upside down by doing things like redefining marriage.
It’s important to know that we are still learning about human sexuality. It is illogical to believe that there is a strong genetic component to homosexuality since it would have long since left the gene pool. Some disagree, with various explanations, but the scientific proof is simply not there.
Having said that, I know that there are plenty of gay people who say homosexuality is as natural for them as breathing. I don’t doubt that they feel that way, and in some it may seemingly be hard-wired. But the evidence that gays truly are “born that way” is typically highly agendized and politicized, involving much subjectivity. It is almost impossible to get throughly unbiased studies in this area, and you cannot count on the media because they are reliably left-wing.
To what extent does sexual behavior become inculcated into the psyche by repeated choices to engage in that behavior? These are questions for which we still don’t have a firm answer. And I speak as a scientist.
There is a subset of people who participate in homosexual/bisexual relations who seem to do so for cultural reasons. These are the ones for whom there is not strong evidence of “hard-wiring” but who may take some clues from culture as to what behaviors to engage in.
Regardless, we are not farm animals. We are not forced to act on our impulses as if we have no choice. That is a fact more people, particularly in today’s society, need to deal with.
Comment by Marco Bell on February 17, 2014 at 8:07 pm
Cleareyedtruthmeister,
I concede to having exhibited some strong, even accusatory language with the phrasing: “your kind”.
I guess I may have been offended by what seems to be the very unwavering sensibilities of the Right-wing. My bad!
I’m wandering through this maze of Life, much like everybody else. Trying to understand why some people think the way they do, and it is completely mesmerizing.
For background and on a personal note, my adopted brother, James, is now sixty-three years old. He is a ‘challenged adult’ living independently, and wanting to “fit in”, so he provides me with so much about how individuals with certain challenges face life.
(Clinically, he is a high functioning-Autistic-Aspergers individual).
Forty years ago, he professed his interest in the same sex. Our family wrestled with the idea as any Methodist family might, and we determined that he probably would never act upon the urge to seek a male mate. Well, as human nature will be, his interest never waned, and eventually he did explore his inclination. It wasn’t necessarily successful, nor was it damaging. It was simply, an experience.
Twenty years later I was there after our parents passed away, to become his legal and fiduciary supporter. Since then his position on his identity hasn’t changed, so I continue to be supportive and entertained by his outlook.
He is, and has always been a sensitive and thoughtful individual, and I can’t see where his gender preference will ever keep him from entering Heaven.
I pray that this world will be compassionate to ALL individuals who think (and act) differently, and in so, I keep a (very) open mind to the anomalies of Life.
But that may be obvious to most on this thread who know me.
Thanks for your input. Sincerely,
Marco
Comment by Kay Glines on February 16, 2014 at 8:59 pm
Did you read the same article I read? I saw nothing there that indicated gays are “less human” than others. I wonder: Do you have children? Because if you raise kids, Big Lesson 1 is “Love requires learning to say the word NO to some behaviors.” Loving someone – family member, friend, whatever – does not mean approving of everything they do. Sometimes it requires DISapproval. Nothing personal, but your attitude toward this issue is one of the reasons we left he UMC years ago, with the conference sending us liberal seminary graduates who tried to convince the congregation that reducing our carbon footprint was good, but disapproving of non-marital sex was bad.
Comment by Marco Bell on February 16, 2014 at 11:28 pm
With all due respect to you, Kay Glines… Yes, I have assisted in raising children, but we’re not talking about parenting skills here.
The article is stating that we should treat our gay friends with the same respect, even on Valentines Day.
And I want to believe that the author (Ms. Vicari) is sincere when she says: “..we treat everyone with love and respect.”
I’m thinking you believe homosexuals are people who are acting-out, or behaving differently for attention or something. And not a natural variation of the average human being?
Do you have any relatives or friends that are gay or lesbian?
Humankind has always had variances between genders.
There are many more nuances around one’s genetic make up that defines who they will be attracted to.
The “perfect” balance of X and Y chromosomes aren’t as clear-cut as some might wish or perceive it to be.
Life is complex, and we all need to realize that when religious dogma dictates that one class of people are not allowed to be themselves as nature designed them to be, then that religion needs to be questioned.
If it’s about sex out of marriage, but you restrict gays from marrying, then any sex they have will be illegal by your standards. At least if they are married, then it should be okay for them to have sex…Right?
I hope you understood those young liberal seminarians mean well when they preach about taking care of our only planet?
That subject deserves more attention than some ‘witch-hunt’ for gays in our congregation or world!
Comment by Kay Glines on February 16, 2014 at 8:55 pm
Author, a polite correction: You write “Paul went on, …” and then quote 1John 4:20.